Alistair's Regret
by missingthesilence
Summary: Falling into their last goodbye, Elissa Cousland leaves him behind to sacrifice herself for Ferelden.  He never wanted her to go and he wanted to love her for the rest of his life.   A short one-shot story focusing on his breaking heart.


**author's note: I wanted to try and show a love so strong that Alistair was willing to die for. It's looking form his thoughts about Elissa taking the final blow and sacrificing herself to save Ferelden. The italics are his memories of their romance and promises.**

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><p>He stared at her walking away from him, his heart breaking.<p>

He didn't know what is was but there was something about her that he just wanted. Her raven black hair, held tight in a high bun, always found a way to fall in front of her face. He didn't want to see her leave, to take the killing blow, but she refused to bring him knowing that reason.

The last thing he saw was her smile as she walked away from him with tears in her light blue eyes. He fought every bit of strength in his body to keep from following her, to make her stay and be safe.

Everything that they had went through together, every memory he wishes would turn to dust if only she would stay with him.

oOo

_"Do you remember when we first met in Ostagar?" she yawned as she snuggled closer to him._

_"Hm...that was the day that I found you as you slapped Daveth across the face for flirting with you, only to find me bugging out at it because he fell unconscious on the ground, right?" he said and she laughed at him before kissed him lightly on the lips._

_"Yes. I remember how you wanted to go find Duncan and how you tried to stay at least an arm's length away from me after that."_

_"Well, it's not every day you find a girl that can bitch slap a random guy in one go and he falls on his face and doesn't get back up until an hour later."_

_"Oh, just thinking about that makes me want to laugh out loud."_

_"Want to go back to making out?" she stifled a smile and shifted until she was on top of him and brought her lips to his._

Ooo

He wished he knew everything about being a grey warden before he met her, then maybe he would have tried to keep her away so that they both wouldn't be crying now. He wanted to keep her far enough away that she wouldn't sacrifice herself for him, but he also knew that he wouldn't give her up even if he had that chance.

He truly loved her with all his heart, and now she is running to her death leaving him behind.

He knew that tears we falling, but he didn't think they were from him until he saw them on his fingers, glistening in the sun's sadistic light.

Ooo

_"Alistair, is something wrong?" she looked at him with her eyes filled of worry,_

_"Well, um," he had to think of something to say. "All this time that we spent together, you know, the tragedy, the brushes with death, the constant battles of the blight looming over us. Will you miss it when it's over?" That wasn't what he had planned to say. He had a whole list and script that he went over and over in his head, but just looking at her face made him forget everything._

_She seemed to ponder it for a moment before she answered, "Well, I don't mind the traveling around, but I don't think that is really what you're asking here."_

_"I know it might sound strange, considering we haven't known each other for long, but I've come to care for you, a great deal. I think it's because we've gone through so much together, but I don't know. I might be imagining it, maybe I'm fooling myself. Am I fooling myself, or do you think you might feel the same way about me?"_

_It was at that moment that she smiled and pulled him in for his first kiss. He could't believe at how wonderful she tasted, and that she actually felt the same way about him._

Ooo

She was leaving his sight when he could't take it anymore and ran after her.

"No! I can't lose you Elissa Cousland!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, but she was too far away, away from him. His feet wouldn't let him stop chasing her.

He felt someone trying to pull him back, away from his love. "Alistair, you need to calm down. She left you here for a good reason." It was Wynne that tried to pull him away.

"Let me go! I have to stop her!"

"It's too late Alistair, she won't change her mind." she tried consoling him. He knew that every word she said was true, but he felt like he couldn't stop.

He fell on his knees, silently crying and wishing that they both never became grey wardens so that they could have lived together forever.

He knew the moment that she was gone, just as he knew she wouldn't come back safe and sound to him.

The light the shown brightly from Fort Drakon tore his heart into even smaller pieces. He knew that it meant she had died to protect all of Ferelden, but he didn't care. He wanted her back.

He could't remember anything after seeing that light until he saw her body being carried from the top of the the fort down for her tomb. He didn't know how much he refused to believe it until the truth of the whole thing found him at that moment.

Ooo

_"Alistair? What will happen when the Blight is over?"_

_He looked into her eyes and kissed her lightly on her forehead. "I'll stay by your side for the rest of my life. I don't think I could live without you."_

Ooo

That promise he made to her, to stay by her side until they both died killed the last bit of his heart. He failed her in the last moments of her life, he broke his promise by living without her.

"My friends. We are gathered here to pay our respects to the grey warden that saved us all. She gave her life to destroy the Blight. A sacrifice we must never forget. It was no accident that she was there either. She was special, and each of our lives had been touched by her in some way. I...I thought that we would be together forever." He found the courage to look at her, but he didn't really see anything. He was lost and she was the only one who could bring him back to see life.

"The grey wardens could't have asked for any finer. How do you honor someone like that?" He knew that everyone that had shown up was crying just as he had when he found out that she was going to sacrifice herself. "The grey wardens are building a magnificent tomb for her at Weisshaupt, right next to Garahel." He really didn't want to say any of this. He felt like his soul was missing and that talking to everybody, about her death, only made it fade away faster.

She didn't deserve to die.

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><p>A month later:<p>

His heart still felt like it would never be whole again, he never ever wanted to think about her. Thinking of her only brought the image of her lying dead in a tomb to him.

He tried to appear happy, after all the effort that she had to make him king, but everyone knew he was only fooling himself. He could't focus on anything and he decided that nothing would ever make him whole, so he left.

He made his way to the deep roads, to fight and fight until he could't fight anymore. He knew that he was just killing himself by doing it, but he didn't care. He felt that he died when his love died protecting everyone.

Through his last breaths, he smiled, knowing that she would be waiting for him.


End file.
